The Summary (or resume, as the French would say)

Over the weekend I was asked to give a brief rundown of my resume. This was a challenging prompt because my resume is not brief. In fact, the number of jobs that I've had would seem to say that I haven't had any for very long (considering that I've been in the working world for 10 years now), but such is not the case for all the jobs. I've managed to have a wide variety of employers - in both their personalities and objectives - in a short amount of time. From the crazy Christian book publisher (only lasted two weeks) to the noodle sweatshop which required me to carry a "noodle passport", I have gained a lot of useless experience and, what I now realize in retrospect, useful people skills.

p.s. - It is a job in and of itself to read my entire resume. It is recommended to just scan over it.

Kristin Erhard

Athens, Greece

Experience

Sandwich Artist and Cashier, Delitalia; Madison, WI - 1999-2000

Made hot and cold subs. Washed dishes. Hid in freezer. Refused to clean bathroom. Ate unauthorized free food.

Reason for leaving: Sexual harassment from co-worker and manager.

Cashier and Cheese Labeler, Magic Mill Natural Foods Market, Madison, WI — 2001-2002

Memorized PLU codes for various fruits and vegetables. Put labels on cheese. Rung up self-congratulatory organic food consumers.

Reason for leaving: School

Front Desk Staff and Media Service Specialist; UNCA Library Media Center, Asheville, NC— 2003-2006

Checked media materials in and out. Got paid to do homework. Created spoof Media Mania videos with expensive equipment. Disappointed crowd of 200 people at a film festival because I couldn’t get an international DVD to play.

Reason for leaving: No longer in school

Noodle Serving Person and Bus Boy; Noodles and Company, Madison, WI— June 2003

Cleaned bottom of chairs. Bussed tables.

Reason for leaving: Lack of interest in carrying a mandatory noodle passport and generally insane company policies.

Waitress, Hostess, Bus Boy, Cashier, Egg roll Fryer, Mung bean Plate Setter, Underage Bartender; Nam’s Noodle Vietnamese Restaurant and Karaoke Bar, Madison, WI — Summer 2003

General job duties included memorizing a menu with 60 items, bussing, cashiering, waitressing, frying egg rolls and underage bar tending all at once.

Reason for leaving: School

Pottery Instructor; Rockbrook Camp for Girls, Brevard, NC—Summer 2004

Taught pottery to overly-privileged-yet-neglected girls ages 7 to 15.

Reason for leaving: The obnoxiously sung camp songs at meal time caused indigestion.

Waitress; Boston’s Pizza, Middelton, WI—2 weeks, Summer 2005

This franchise required me to purchase their t-shirt and apron for $60 from my first paycheck. I was a terrible waitress and cried after being yelled at for messing up an order.

Reason for leaving: Disgust

Hostess; Otto’s Restaurant, Madison, WI — Summer 2005

Catered to ridiculously wealthy country-clubbers. Showed them to their seats. Eavesdropped on their extremely boring dinner conversations from my hostess podium. Made coffee and caused it to explode all over the waiter prep area.

Reason for leaving: School

Bus Boy; Flying Frog Cafe and Bar, Asheville, NC — Summer 2006

Collected people’s dirty plates, put them on a cart and went to the basement. Befriended dishwasher, drank coffee, avoided the regulars who harassed me.

Reason for leaving: Decided not to go through with the sex change (to bus boy) /bigger and better things in life.

Production Assistant / Opinion Giver; Daily Planet Newspaper — Summer 2006

Started as an advertising sales associate, sold one ad to a crying woman and traded ad space for pizza. Was promoted (or rather, changed) to production assitant and graphic designer. Took photos of boring events around Asheville, gave opinion to editor who then published my opinion as his own, re-wrote feel-good column to clearly express ideas of new age woman.

Reason for leaving: school

Publishing Intern; Crazy Christian Lady Publisher, Asheville. NC— 2 weeks, January 2007

Spent 2 hours processing a $4 rebate coupon. Read a book called “Getting Things Done”. Gritted teeth.

Reason for leaving: Insanity and mutual dislike.

Transportation Planning Intern; UNC-Asheville Transporation Department, Asheville. NC— Fall 2006 and Spring 2007

Organized an event to promote public transit use in which I mistakenly put 50 freshmen on 2 public buses that ended up in different locations. They thought that they were going to an ice rink.

Reason for leaving: Penland

Waitress; Guzmo’s Mojo Cafe, Asheville, NC—2 hours, February 2007

Avoided stalker who happened to work there. Kept down gag reflex at the unsanitary conditions.

Reason for leaving: The name of the place says it all.

Tutor; Asheville Middle and High School, Asheville, NC—September 2006 - March 2007

Encouraged students to think critically and re-examine everything they believed.

Reason for leaving: Penland

Bilingual Program Leader; Madison School and Community Recreation, Madison, WI— Summer 2007

Supervised kids with behavioral issues. Played drip, drip, drop. Painted pet rocks.

Reason for leaving: Seasonal

Spanish and Remedial Language Arts Teacher; Orton Academy School from Hell, Asheville, NC - September 2007 - May 2008

Worked closely with a megalomanic and her pedophiliac husband. Taught emotionally challenged children with learning difficulties how to say a few things in Spanish. Cried in the bathroom after being terrorized by middle school boys and school director.

Reason for leaving: Self-preservation

Reading and Math Tutor/Volunteer; Granada, Nicaragua and San Cristobal, Mexico—July - December 2008

Taught 1st graders - ages 6 to 12 - how to read, add and subtract. Felt like a really good person.

Reason for leaving: The job didn’t pay the bills.

Prechool Teacher; Casa dei Bambini Bilingual Village School, Asheville, NC—March- August 2009

Changed a few diapers. Taught a few life lessons via children’s books and positive behavior management. Made puppets. Sang Raffi songs and skidamirinky-dinky-dink. Spoke in Spanish to bewildered-looking children.

Reason for leaving: To pursue earthly pleasures in the birthplace of democracy.

Middle School English Teacher; Athens College, Athens, Greece—September 2009 -present

To be revealed...

Skills

• Frying egg rolls
• Dealing with crazy superiors
• Speaking Spanish to 2 year olds
• Writing other people’s opinion columns